Sexuality is a complicated and shameful topic, exacerbated by a complete lack of comprehensive sex education in the United States. As a result, many of us are left struggling to understand our sexuality on our own, which can be messy and frustrating. Furthermore, experiencing sexual shame on an independent level makes it difficult to internalize the fact that you aren’t the only one dealing with a particular problem. Recognizing that shame exists is the first step toward unlearning it, after which you can begin to unpack it. Let’s talk about some of the most common sources of sexual shame.

1. Inability to achieve orgasm in a specific manner or at all. This is more commonly discussed as a female issue (an estimated 10-15% of women experience orgasmic dysfunction), but anyone can struggle to achieve orgasm. Sexual trauma, age, hormones, mental and chronic illness, and certain medications are some potential causes of the problem. Whether or not there is a clear source of the problem, there is nothing wrong with you if you are having trouble achieving orgasm. The source of your shame is societal expectations and misinformation; your body is not inherently shameful, and you did nothing “wrong” to “deserve” this. Most importantly, you do not need to be able to orgasm to enjoy sex and masturbation.
2. Being interested in other sexual/sensual activities rather than intercourse. Penetrative sex is posited as the goal of sex in heteronormative sex expectations. Unfortunately, this excludes many people, such as queer people, people who have sexual dysfunction, or anyone who does not find pleasure in penetrative sex. It’s not only exclusionary, but it’s also limiting for everyone who has internalized that expectation. Once we are able to unlearn heteronormative sex expectations (easier said than done!), so many doors of sexual possibility open up. Intercourse is only one of many ways to have sex, and it is not the only “correct” way to have sex.
3. Having responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire. In general, there are two ways that people experience a desire to have sex. Responsive desire implies that someone frequently needs to experience physical arousal before experiencing mental desire, whereas spontaneous desire implies that someone frequently feels mental desire before experiencing physical arousal. The mainstream media and societal expectations portray spontaneous desire as the “norm,” leaving those with responsive desire feeling as if they are abnormal. They are not superior; they are simply different. If your desire type is incompatible with your partner(s), read this Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post on desire discrepancy.
4. Having sexual dysfunction or pain. Similarly to orgasmic dysfunction, it’s difficult not to feel “broken” when you experience sexual dysfunction or pain, especially if it prevents you from having the kind of sex you want. It’s natural to be sad about the fact that your body can’t do something you wish it could. At the same time, remember that you still deserve to have enjoyable sex and that it is still possible, even if it does not look the way you expected.

The limiting societal expectations and beliefs about sex are the source of the shame mentioned above. The issue is not with the individual but with the inaccurate and exclusionary ways we learn and discuss sex. You are not alone in your difficulties. If you are struggling to address your sexual shame on your own, consider contacting Embrace Sexual Wellness, and one of our sexuality professionals will gladly assist you.

Using someone’s proper pronouns* is a basic sign of respect. As a result, making every effort to use pronouns correctly is critical. When someone you care about changes their pronouns, it can be challenging to adjust. It’s important to remember that no one expects perfection, so using the incorrect pronoun is acceptable as long as you’re making an effort to be respectful. When a loved one discloses a pronoun change, use the following guidelines to help you navigate the conversation and be as supportive as possible.

1. Thank them for being open and honest with you. Even with loved ones, it is not always easy to be vulnerable and share your entire self. Let them know you still love them completely. Remember that your first reaction may influence their willingness to share sensitive information with you in the future. Aside from using their new pronouns, ask how you can best support them. Everyone is different, but the most important thing you can do is make an effort to use their new pronouns.
2. They should practice their pronouns. The more you practice, the more natural it will be to use them. You should practice using their pronouns both verbally and in writing. You can either speak aloud to yourself or meet up with someone else to talk. You could try writing a story about the person using new pronouns. If you practice these methods and still find it difficult to transition, consider why. Trying to reconceptualize the person in context with their new pronouns when you’ve previously thought of them in an entirely different way is a common roadblock. If this is the case, you may need to do some additional reading to unlearn this binary framework.
3. When you make a mistake, quickly apologize, correct yourself, and continue the conversation. Make no excuses or prolong your apology. Making a big deal about it is unpleasant for everyone involved. The steps outlined above demonstrate that you are making an effort.

Making a change like this can be frightening because you don’t want to make a mistake and hurt your loved one. Allow yourself some leeway in this regard; it is difficult to make a change to something that you haven’t already given conscious thought to. The only way to achieve this is through practice. When you consider how much practice you’ve had using this person’s previous pronouns, it’s understandable that it takes a lot of training to undo it. Be gentle with yourself, and it will soon become second nature.

Educational Resources

Here are some excellent resources for learning more about pronouns and proper usage:

• What Exactly Are Pronouns? Why Are They Important?
• Pronouns: A Guide from GLSEN
• Pronouns
• Everything You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Gender-Neutral Pronouns
• Experts and People Who Use Neopronouns Explain How to Use Them
• Training Tips for Changing Your Pronouns for Someone You Care About
• Kirby Conrod’s Pronouns 102: How to Stop Misusing Pronouns

*The term “correct pronouns” is used rather than “preferred pronouns” because someone’s stated pronouns are a requirement, not a personal taste.

Your romantic life is a world of possibilities. One in which you can connect more deeply with yourself and your sexual partner (if you have one), be creative, and discover new levels of pleasure.

You may have tried kinky activities, anal sex, and, for the more daring couple, travel sex when it comes to exploring your sex life. Exploring your sex life can sometimes be less about fancy gadgets and gizmos (though those are fun, too) and more about unlocking different parts of yourself so you can sink deeper into your experience.

Tantra comes into play here. This may be a new term for you, or you may have heard it in Yoga classes or elsewhere in the new age scene. Tantra, on the other hand, is far from new. It can, however, allow you to enjoy the pleasure on a deeper level and even heal various parts of yourself.

What exactly is tantra, and how is it practiced? Let’s investigate.

Traditional Eastern Practice

Although most people associate tantra with sexual pleasure, this is not the case. Tantra is a philosophy that dates back to the sixth century in India. Tantra means ‘to weave’ or ‘to compose.’ Tantra is an instructional text that is often written as a dialogue between a god and goddess – not to be heteronormative; these practices can be used regardless of your sexual orientation.

Tantric texts were revolutionary because they taught that everything is sacred and touched on sensitive topics that other schools of thought considered impure or profane, such as sex and sexuality. They also talked about Yoga, meditation, and living more mindfully in general.

One of the reasons Tantra is commonly associated with sexual encounters is that it emphasizes the importance of divine feminine power, which deviated from the common perception of womanhood as passive and docile. Tantra is all about deep connection and energetic alchemy or expanding energy within your own and your partner’s bodies.

Much of the literature discusses the role of deeper connection, which is frequently expressed through sexual intercourse. While Tantra isn’t solely about sexual connection, it’s an exciting aspect of it and most likely why you’re reading this.

More Pleasure: Engage in Tantric Sex

So, how do you bring tantra into your sexual experience? The first step is to remove the pressure from yourself and examine the tantra from a distance. While tantra may appear esoteric and woo-woo, it is something anyone can learn.

Tantric sexual practice is about deep connection and energetic alchemy rather than doing things a certain way. It’s a tool for deepening your relationship with your partner (if you have one) and with yourself. Tantra encourages you to slow down, relax your entire body, practice breathing and mindfulness techniques, and simply be in the present moment.

Here are some tips for incorporating tantric practices into your sexual life:

• Make Room for a Tantra Session. Making a relaxing, intentional space allows you to immerse yourself in the moment even more. Clean up your room, light some candles, and do everything you can to make your sexual space feel like a sanctuary. Play some soothing music and fill the space with sexual energy. Prepare additional items that will aid in your relaxation, such as massage oil and candles, a feather for a gentle touch, and self-exploration. Intimacy will undoubtedly enhance the sexual experience.
• Energy Exchange. Tantric philosophy is concerned with worship and devotion. How can you incorporate worship into your sexual life? By being fully present and listening to what your partner wants, by enthusiastically giving them massages, oral sex, or whatever feels like an act of devotion to you.
• You can also follow our advice and go down on your knees while your partner sits in a chair. The mind-body connection is the first and most important step, so this will undoubtedly help you. Breathe deeply and then move closer to your partner’s legs. Start massaging their inner thighs with massage oil. Take note of your partner’s reactions. Deeply inhale and exhale as you move closer to your partner’s lap. Before you begin oral sex, spend some time massaging their legs and stomach. Do not rush; instead, extend sex as much as possible to increase erotic energy. This will lead to multiple orgasms for both of you.

Have a Tantric Experience

It takes time to develop pleasure. Tantra instructs you to slow down, shift your focus away from achieving orgasm, and pay attention to how pleasure and arousal build in each moment. The more you slow down and tune into it, the more you can feel the bodily sensations that come later during penetrative sex.

Pay Attention to Your Breathing Techniques

A deep breath is an excellent tool for slowing down, awakening dormant parts of your body, and connecting with your partner. You can try these breathwork exercises with or without your partner before sex.

Communicate and Connect

How can you connect more deeply with your partner if tantra is all about spiritual awakening and connection? Making eye contact is a good place to start, as is using your words and other verbal cues (like authentic moaning). Change your sex position and tell your partner what you want before, during, and after sex to avoid unspoken expectations between you.

Vulnerability

Tantra can bring a level of connection that requires vulnerability and a willingness to be open with your partner. Any position can be tantric, but the lotus, known as ‘Yab Yum’ in tantric text, increases vulnerability. This is where both partners sit up facing each other, with one on the other’s lap and their legs wrapped around each other. Kink is another sexual tool that necessitates vulnerability and can be used in conjunction with tantric sex.

While most of these suggestions appear to be for having sex with a partner, many can also be used alone. If you’re new to tantra, it’s a good idea to start with yourself before bringing on a partner.

Many of their practices overlap because Yoga is based on tantra. You can get more ideas from these yogic sex secrets. Tantra does not have to be enigmatic; at its core, it is simply a tool for exploring deeper and more profound levels of intimacy and connection.

There are numerous factors that influence the amount of sexual pleasure you can have, especially when another person is present. Your mood, stress levels, menstrual cycle stage, and, of course, your relationship with your sexual partner all work together to set the tone for your sex life.

Whether you’re having sex with a committed partner, a fun fling, or somewhere in between, the dynamic between you two is undeniably crucial in how much you get out of your sex life. Many factors contribute to that dynamic, including your expectations for each other and the relationship, how much you enjoy each other’s company, and, most importantly, trust.

Trust and sexual pleasure are inextricably linked. This may seem obvious, but there’s much more to the word “trust” than meets the eye. So, how does trust manifest itself in our sexual lives, and how can it be increased within a relationship? Let us investigate.

Understanding Sex and Trust

What comes to mind when you think of the word “trust” in the context of relationships? Keeping promises? Being able to trust someone? What about physical and emotional security? All of these are essential components of relationship trust, but there’s a lot more to the story.

Trust is more than just being able to rely on someone. On a deeper level, trust is the subtle ability to be completely present with someone. When you have a high level of trust in someone, you can bring your whole self to the table. Trust allows you to feel at ease with your partner; a different level of relaxation adds to pleasure and enjoyment.

Have you ever heard of a pleasure gap? It’s a term that describes the phenomenon in heterosexual relationships in which women are much less likely than men to orgasm regularly. Numerous factors contribute to this, the most significant of which is how women are treated in society and historically.

The female body usually requires a sense of fundamental trust and safety to fully open and relax. And while orgasms aren’t everything in sex, they’re certainly enjoyable. They not only feel great, but are much easier to achieve when you have a high level of trust in the person with whom you are having sex.

It Isn’t you, It’s Me

If you don’t completely trust your sexual partner, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are “untrustworthy,” but that you don’t feel comfortable completely opening up to them on some level. That doesn’t mean either of you is at fault, but rather that something in the dynamic is off.

When your sex life isn’t meeting your expectations, it’s easy to blame your partner or yourself, but it’s no one’s fault. If you’re having difficulty developing deep trust with a sexual or romantic partner, it could be due to unresolved traumas from any age. These events cause a disruption in your ability to connect with people on the level you desire, particularly in sexual or romantic relationships. A lack of trust is frequently caused by internal issues that manifest themselves in your relationship and, of course, your sex life.

Trust Takes Time to Develop

Even if you’re confident in yourself, trust doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to develop the level of trust that is often required for you to enjoy the type of pleasure you desire. When you devote time to nurturing this aspect of your relationship, it begins to foster a sense of safety and security. This, in turn, allows you to fully open up to this person in every way.

It takes time to build sexual pleasure through foreplay, kissing, and sensual touch. However, it also has to do with the larger picture of establishing trust, pleasure, and joy in the relationship as a whole. You may want to rush through and experience everything right now, but some things are worth the wait. However, there are some things you can do to help build the kind of trust that allows for greater intimacy and pleasure.

How to Increase Trust in Relationships

Trust develops organically in relationships, but it can also be cultivated through deliberate action. Here are some strategies for increasing trust in your relationship:

• Honesty is more than just not lying. Being honest means being open about your expectations, needs, and desires in the relationship. It expresses what’s on your mind and in your heart.
• Pleasure and joy are inextricably linked. Positive experiences contribute to the development of trust. Consider ways to bring more joy to the relationship, such as sharing common interests, dancing, cooking together, or anything.
• Self-healing. Because trust often boils down to you, you may need to do some self-healing work on yourself, which will then ripple out into your relationship. Therapy or EMDR, meditation, or even masturbation could be used.

Trust is a complicated subject, especially when it comes to how it manifests itself in our sexual lives. If this is a difficult area for you, congratulate yourself on starting to think about it. It can take time to learn to trust someone else as well as yourself.

So, be kind to yourself and enjoy the journey!

Masturbation and partnered sex each have their distinct appeals but did you know you can combine the two and mutually masturbate with your partner(s)? Mutual masturbation is the practice of two (or more) people masturbating in each other’s presence, either via video call or in the same room.

Some advantages of mutual masturbation include learning more about how your partner(s) prefer to be touched, being able to simultaneously orgasm, and the fact that it is nearly impossible to become pregnant or contract an STI. If you want to give it a shot, here are some suggestions for good positions when you’re together in person. You can also incorporate sex toys to take it to the next level, whether you’re in the same room or not. Another enjoyable way to structure your mutual masturbation is to watch porn together; this has the added benefit of sharing sexual interests by sharing your favorite porn.

Mutual masturbation can be a fun way to mix up your sex and masturbation routines, but it also has drawbacks. Many people struggle with performance anxiety when they try mutual masturbation. Masturbation is a vulnerable act typically performed alone, so it may take some adjusting to enjoy it in the company of another person.

Performance anxiety can occur in any type of sex, but mutual masturbation is particularly frightening for many people. Beyond the societally ingrained shame associated with enjoying sexual acts, being able to truly lean into and enjoy masturbating in front of others necessitates becoming comfortable with the intense vulnerability it implies. First and foremost, sit down with your partner(s) and lay out everyone’s concerns and insecurities on the table. The act of sharing these vulnerable thoughts can help you feel more at ease with the concept. One tangible step to combating performance anxiety is to have your partner and/or yourself wear a blindfold or turn off the lights. Another important way to relieve stress is not to expect an orgasm; it’s far more fruitful to focus on the pleasurable sensations and being in the moment—if an orgasm occurs, it’s a happy bonus. If you have trouble staying in the moment, read Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are to learn about sexual mindfulness.

And at last, mutual masturbation is another form of sexual collaboration with your partner(s), and it has the potential to bring you closer together, learn more about each other’s sexual likes and interests, and, over time, reduce sexual performance anxiety. As with any kind of sex, there is no right or wrong way to mutually masturbate as long as everyone is consenting and having a good time.

Despite recent innovations and explorations, the science of intimacy and sex remains largely untapped. There are numerous factors that influence intimacy, connection, pleasure, and everything else that constitutes our sexual lives. Without a doubt, the brain plays a significant role in how and when we connect with sexual partners, as well as the pleasure we experience with them. Have you ever tried to be intimate with someone with whom you didn’t have a mental or emotional connection? It may appear that something is simply missing. Despite our somewhat limited understanding of human neurology and sexuality, we have observed many fascinating phenomena—such as the mirror neuron system’s power and its role in sex.

What Exactly Are Mirror Neurons?

Mirror neurons were discovered in the macaque monkey approximately thirty years ago. Their discovery has sparked a massive debate about how we generate our actions and how we observe and interpret the actions of others (or primates). Scientists discovered the phenomenon when they noticed that the same neurons, or nerve cells, were fired when someone performed a specific action as when they observed it. Mirror neurons, according to the theory, help lay the groundwork for imitation learning, language development and evolution, emotional intelligence, and empathy. Mirror neurons assist primates, including humans, in understanding what is happening, why it is happening, and reproducing the same action. Consider a baby or toddler learning to speak, socialize, and interact with others. Mirror neurons play a significant role in this. So, how do they relate to sex?

What Exactly Is Mirror Neuron Sex?

Even if you aren’t the most scientifically savvy, you have lived experience of being a human and interacting with others. As a result, you can probably conclude that mirror neurons play a significant role in sexual behavior and interaction. One study conducted by Bangor University and Royal Holloway, University of London discovered a link between mirror neurons and sex, dubbed the ‘Erogenous Mirror.’ According to this theory, we subconsciously activate mirror neurons by touching our sexual partners where we want to be touched.

In this study, researchers asked participants from various demographics and sexual orientations to complete a questionnaire about their arousal levels when touched on specific areas of their body and in various sexual situations. This demonstrates a clear mirroring in their preferences for where they preferred to be touched versus where they preferred to touch their partners, lending credence to the idea of mirror neurons and their role in sex.

What Does This Imply?

The erogenous mirror theory also explains why we enjoy touching and looking during sexual encounters. According to the researchers who created it, we treat our partners’ bodies as if they were our own, blurring the lines between them and us. They propose that when our partners look at specific areas of our bodies, we may imagine or anticipate them touching us there. Unfortunately, as researchers go on to explain the differences between men and women, this research only reflects cis-gendered people in heterosexual dynamics so far. Nonetheless, they discovered distinct differences between the healthy men and women they observed. Specifically, when it came to the obvious sexual areas such as the genitals and nipples, men preferred to touch and examine their partners’ bodies more than the other way around.

Positive Results

While research on the connection between mirror neurons during sex and emotional relating is limited, there is most likely some sort of link. We pick up on emotional cues from our partner’s facial expressions, movement observations, and arousal responses. If mirror neurons play a role in the development of emotional intelligence as we grow and mature, it stands to reason that they will also play a role in our sexual evolution as individuals and with partners. Mirror neurons are one (large) piece of the puzzle that goes into how we relate to each other sexually.

There Are Several Degrees of Communication

Healthy sex life is heavily reliant on social interaction, emotional intelligence, and empathy. Reading and understanding your partner’s cues without them having to verbalize them – although all forms of communication are important. Being able to read and understand each other during sex is another step in sexual arousal; it is how we develop trust and strengthen relationships in order to have deeper connections and experience more pleasure. This emotional connection is one of the characteristics that distinguishes the human brain and being human. We’re hardwired to connect, mirror each other’s desires, and act on the signals we send each other subconsciously. That is why sex is said to begin with brain activity. That is insanely cool. Even with mirror neurons, your partner (most likely) cannot read your mind. This is why it is critical to ask for what you want in bed and maintain an open dialogue about your sexual life.