Three Ways to Assist a Friend or Family Member Using New Pronouns
By Lapushka

Three Ways to Assist a Friend or Family Member Using New Pronouns

Using someone’s proper pronouns* is a basic sign of respect. As a result, making every effort to use pronouns correctly is critical. When someone you care about changes their pronouns, it can be challenging to adjust. It’s important to remember that no one expects perfection, so using the incorrect pronoun is acceptable as long as you’re making an effort to be respectful. When a loved one discloses a pronoun change, use the following guidelines to help you navigate the conversation and be as supportive as possible.

  1. Thank them for being open and honest with you. Even with loved ones, it is not always easy to be vulnerable and share your entire self. Let them know you still love them completely. Remember that your first reaction may influence their willingness to share sensitive information with you in the future. Aside from using their new pronouns, ask how you can best support them. Everyone is different, but the most important thing you can do is make an effort to use their new pronouns.
  2. They should practice their pronouns. The more you practice, the more natural it will be to use them. You should practice using their pronouns both verbally and in writing. You can either speak aloud to yourself or meet up with someone else to talk. You could try writing a story about the person using new pronouns. If you practice these methods and still find it difficult to transition, consider why. Trying to reconceptualize the person in context with their new pronouns when you’ve previously thought of them in an entirely different way is a common roadblock. If this is the case, you may need to do some additional reading to unlearn this binary framework.
  3. When you make a mistake, quickly apologize, correct yourself, and continue the conversation. Make no excuses or prolong your apology. Making a big deal about it is unpleasant for everyone involved. The steps outlined above demonstrate that you are making an effort.

Making a change like this can be frightening because you don’t want to make a mistake and hurt your loved one. Allow yourself some leeway in this regard; it is difficult to make a change to something that you haven’t already given conscious thought to. The only way to achieve this is through practice. When you consider how much practice you’ve had using this person’s previous pronouns, it’s understandable that it takes a lot of training to undo it. Be gentle with yourself, and it will soon become second nature.

Educational Resources

Here are some excellent resources for learning more about pronouns and proper usage:

*The term “correct pronouns” is used rather than “preferred pronouns” because someone’s stated pronouns are a requirement, not a personal taste.