Sexuality is a complicated and shameful topic, exacerbated by a complete lack of comprehensive sex education in the United States. As a result, many of us are left struggling to understand our sexuality on our own, which can be messy and frustrating. Furthermore, experiencing sexual shame on an independent level makes it difficult to internalize the fact that you aren’t the only one dealing with a particular problem. Recognizing that shame exists is the first step toward unlearning it, after which you can begin to unpack it. Let’s talk about some of the most common sources of sexual shame.

1. Inability to achieve orgasm in a specific manner or at all. This is more commonly discussed as a female issue (an estimated 10-15% of women experience orgasmic dysfunction), but anyone can struggle to achieve orgasm. Sexual trauma, age, hormones, mental and chronic illness, and certain medications are some potential causes of the problem. Whether or not there is a clear source of the problem, there is nothing wrong with you if you are having trouble achieving orgasm. The source of your shame is societal expectations and misinformation; your body is not inherently shameful, and you did nothing “wrong” to “deserve” this. Most importantly, you do not need to be able to orgasm to enjoy sex and masturbation.
2. Being interested in other sexual/sensual activities rather than intercourse. Penetrative sex is posited as the goal of sex in heteronormative sex expectations. Unfortunately, this excludes many people, such as queer people, people who have sexual dysfunction, or anyone who does not find pleasure in penetrative sex. It’s not only exclusionary, but it’s also limiting for everyone who has internalized that expectation. Once we are able to unlearn heteronormative sex expectations (easier said than done!), so many doors of sexual possibility open up. Intercourse is only one of many ways to have sex, and it is not the only “correct” way to have sex.
3. Having responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire. In general, there are two ways that people experience a desire to have sex. Responsive desire implies that someone frequently needs to experience physical arousal before experiencing mental desire, whereas spontaneous desire implies that someone frequently feels mental desire before experiencing physical arousal. The mainstream media and societal expectations portray spontaneous desire as the “norm,” leaving those with responsive desire feeling as if they are abnormal. They are not superior; they are simply different. If your desire type is incompatible with your partner(s), read this Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post on desire discrepancy.
4. Having sexual dysfunction or pain. Similarly to orgasmic dysfunction, it’s difficult not to feel “broken” when you experience sexual dysfunction or pain, especially if it prevents you from having the kind of sex you want. It’s natural to be sad about the fact that your body can’t do something you wish it could. At the same time, remember that you still deserve to have enjoyable sex and that it is still possible, even if it does not look the way you expected.

The limiting societal expectations and beliefs about sex are the source of the shame mentioned above. The issue is not with the individual but with the inaccurate and exclusionary ways we learn and discuss sex. You are not alone in your difficulties. If you are struggling to address your sexual shame on your own, consider contacting Embrace Sexual Wellness, and one of our sexuality professionals will gladly assist you.